On Saturday, we fed our boy breakfast and lunch, as he awaited getting together with his girlfriend. And I fixed a blackberry cobbler for dessert when James brought Amber by for pineapple upside down cake and cobbler Saturday night.
I am expecting a spectacular Sunday School lesson seeing as how Bob has had four days to prepare. He still wants to get on this computer and edit some more this morning.
It is Sunday morning, and we just saw James off. Three hard boiled eggs, some vitamins, coffee, and his truck mug filled with more coffee---and all roads lead by Amber's house. If he gets back on the road by 7:30am, he should get back to Missouri before dark, and the freezing temperatures. Snow predicted for where he is headed. But, maybe it will stay above freezing on the ground until he gets back. Then just 18 days, and James will be home for Christmas. And by January 22, he will be done with this chemical school training, and head back to Oklahoma. Then he will only be three hours from home and Amber.
A progress resupply vehicle is about to dock with the ISS, and later today, I wonder if the shuttle will touchdown in Florida (weather permitting) or California.
Bob got to eat a ham sandwich yesterday, and I used up the leftover potatoes, and stuffing pods. I baked extra stuffing in pyrex bowls, and then froze them in pod-like shapes in the freezer for later meals. Very tasty--and since they contain no butter, just no fat broth, homemade cornbread, celery, garlic, and onions---
Showing posts with label journaling online. Show all posts
Showing posts with label journaling online. Show all posts
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Happy Birthday Ben-Ben. Now you are 21
Twenty-one years ago...it was a foggy morning. I had scheduled the C-section on an easy day to remember, 10-27-87. Say it out loud. A fun number. Having had our middle son 14 months earlier, in an emergency C-section, I knew what to expect, in fact, I was recommending C-sections to all my friends.
Bob and I walked to the hospital. It is only three miles from our house. And it was fun walking in the fog. My folks had come up from Houston to babysit the middle baby and make sure our firstborn made it to kindergarten.
An emergency C-section means they put you out fast, and deep, with gas. They were in a hurry, as James' heart rate had dropped.
But,a planned C-section means they take their time, and put you on a drip to put you out. And they don't want to give you too much or the baby will be groggy, so they put you out just deep enough...but, remember, I had just been on a three mile hike. My metabolism was up, and somehow my liver metabolized the anaesthesia and I felt like I was down in a well. I could hear everything, and feel everything, and wondered to myself why the monitors were not letting them know that I was awake and aware. I felt them cut me open, and pull Ben out. I knew it was a boy. Our third son. I heard the doctor and nurses talking, and thought to myself as pain washed over me like waves, that something was not right. And yet, I remember claiming that promise that God does not put more on us than we can bear. This C-section was different than last years. It was a nightmare I would re-live every year for 21 years. At first, I questioned, why? What happened? When I questioned the doctor and nurses, they brushed it off with something about how the anaesthesiologist gave me a "forget" drug that obviously did not work. Once the baby was out, I think they put me out deeper, because they cut my tubes, as planned, but I don't remember whether that was before or after they sewed me up. Bob got to watch them clean Ben up, and take him to the nursery. When he joined me in recovery, he told me we had had another baby boy, and I said, "I know. I was awake for most of it." I don't know if he believed me or not. But, I was distraught. On the one hand, I was thankful Ben was okay, but on the other hand, I knew that what I experienced was not right. And I wanted to figure it out. Later, I would research it, and find out I was not alone. But, that would take a few years, and newspaper articles about it, and research on the computer would help explain it, but I think the practice of giving people a "forget" drug is still practiced, and we don't forget. Stuff just gets pushed down into our subconscious, but that does not mean we are not having to deal with it on other levels. Doctors and nurses probably like the drug because it means they don't have to watch their language in the operating room. And I guess helping them concentrate is more important than the patient's mental health.
So, Ben's birthday has always been a mixed blessing for me. Bittersweet. I figured I went through what I did so that I would shut up about C-sections. They are not the best thing ever. Sure, they prevent the tearing and stitching necessary from a vaginal birth like I experienced with my firstborn nine pounder. And it probably saved James' life, as he was in some kind of distress. But, I have to make a conscious effort process the memories, and then set them aside to turn and celebrate with Ben. It helped to journal. And talk about it. And try to warn others. But, then I hallucinate whenever I use Advil, so I know that I process drugs differently.
Ben doesn't read my blog, so I am safe here. Adult children. Sounds like an oxymoron. How does one parent adult children??? They don't think they need it, and parenting becomes more of a cheerleader slot. Homebase. We are here if we are needed, but a drag on their time and energy. We worked our way out of a job. As it should be. I hope we raised independent men. I hope we raised warriors.
But, I am still a mom. Always will be. I remember when the boys were in grade school, I felt like I lost my first name. I became a mom. Andy and James and Ben's mom. Teachers would greet me with, "oh, you must be Ben's mom."
Ben was the clingiest baby of them all. He felt secure hanging onto mom, and the world was a scary place. How come the clingiest makes up for it by becoming the most independent?? And wildest? And the one who drives you to your knees petitioning heaven to protect the rest of the world from your son?? And the one I'd love to sell to the Marines if they'd only take him.
Ben was gifted with spacial talents, and the ability to put things together by sight. Since some things came easy, he learned to avoid the hard things...like reading. He fooled his kindergarten teacher, and overcompensated throughout grade school, but the teachers started making ADD noises in first grade, and started the rounds of testing and diagnostics. We learned that Ben learned differently, and under the huge umbrella that is dyslexia, he was labeled early as "learning disabled." Small ld. We fought against drugs, and thankfully, had a pediatrician who did not think Ben was learning disabled, because, as he explained it, Ben could concentrate for long periods of time on things that that interested him. Ben was easily distracted in a classroom situation, but put him in the science place at the hands-on museum, and he would swear up and down that we had only been there ten minutes when I had been happily reading a book in the corner for two hours.
We were assured that Ben would do fine in college with modifications---and we were promised that if we took the reams of diagnostics with us that he would have no trouble getting in. By then, we were used to special ed, and textbooks on tape, and ARD meetings. But, curiously, when Ben turned 18, WITHOUT our permission and WITHOUT prior notification, they pressured Ben to sign something stating he was no longer learning disabled, in fact, miraculously, did not need their services. The bastards no longer needed funding, in that sink hole that is public education.
Ben made good grades at the local community college. But, the second semester of classes he picked was not so fun, and Ben planned on moving out. Ben made good money as a pizza deliverer, and jumped at the chance to climb on roofs and install solar panels when he got that job. We would have preferred he stay at home, and finish college. We had helped his older brothers through college, and wanted him to get a degree, too. But, he wanted to move out and planned it for months. He chaffed at our rules, and did not like his Dad's random checks on his laptop.
It broke my heart to see him move out of our home, and move into an apartment with a drunk. It is sad to see your son learn things the hard way. And even though we had taught him about friends and associations, and how they affect you, Ben decided to check things out himself. He decided he had been sheltered long enough, and he was tired of a worse-case-scenario mom and strict dad.
My prayer these last few years has been thankfulness that Ben has supported himself, but I hope and pray God sour that friendship with a drunk. And I am thankful that God has answered the prayer that my sons get caught whenever they do something wrong so that they suffer the consequences and learn from it before it becomes and ingrained bad habit.
note to Bob: how come, when I check words on spell checker, and click on the correct one, and it appears to change it, that when I "publish" the misspelled word still appears?? Yikes. Here I thought I was correcting my spelling all these years.
Bob and I walked to the hospital. It is only three miles from our house. And it was fun walking in the fog. My folks had come up from Houston to babysit the middle baby and make sure our firstborn made it to kindergarten.
An emergency C-section means they put you out fast, and deep, with gas. They were in a hurry, as James' heart rate had dropped.
But,a planned C-section means they take their time, and put you on a drip to put you out. And they don't want to give you too much or the baby will be groggy, so they put you out just deep enough...but, remember, I had just been on a three mile hike. My metabolism was up, and somehow my liver metabolized the anaesthesia and I felt like I was down in a well. I could hear everything, and feel everything, and wondered to myself why the monitors were not letting them know that I was awake and aware. I felt them cut me open, and pull Ben out. I knew it was a boy. Our third son. I heard the doctor and nurses talking, and thought to myself as pain washed over me like waves, that something was not right. And yet, I remember claiming that promise that God does not put more on us than we can bear. This C-section was different than last years. It was a nightmare I would re-live every year for 21 years. At first, I questioned, why? What happened? When I questioned the doctor and nurses, they brushed it off with something about how the anaesthesiologist gave me a "forget" drug that obviously did not work. Once the baby was out, I think they put me out deeper, because they cut my tubes, as planned, but I don't remember whether that was before or after they sewed me up. Bob got to watch them clean Ben up, and take him to the nursery. When he joined me in recovery, he told me we had had another baby boy, and I said, "I know. I was awake for most of it." I don't know if he believed me or not. But, I was distraught. On the one hand, I was thankful Ben was okay, but on the other hand, I knew that what I experienced was not right. And I wanted to figure it out. Later, I would research it, and find out I was not alone. But, that would take a few years, and newspaper articles about it, and research on the computer would help explain it, but I think the practice of giving people a "forget" drug is still practiced, and we don't forget. Stuff just gets pushed down into our subconscious, but that does not mean we are not having to deal with it on other levels. Doctors and nurses probably like the drug because it means they don't have to watch their language in the operating room. And I guess helping them concentrate is more important than the patient's mental health.
So, Ben's birthday has always been a mixed blessing for me. Bittersweet. I figured I went through what I did so that I would shut up about C-sections. They are not the best thing ever. Sure, they prevent the tearing and stitching necessary from a vaginal birth like I experienced with my firstborn nine pounder. And it probably saved James' life, as he was in some kind of distress. But, I have to make a conscious effort process the memories, and then set them aside to turn and celebrate with Ben. It helped to journal. And talk about it. And try to warn others. But, then I hallucinate whenever I use Advil, so I know that I process drugs differently.
Ben doesn't read my blog, so I am safe here. Adult children. Sounds like an oxymoron. How does one parent adult children??? They don't think they need it, and parenting becomes more of a cheerleader slot. Homebase. We are here if we are needed, but a drag on their time and energy. We worked our way out of a job. As it should be. I hope we raised independent men. I hope we raised warriors.
But, I am still a mom. Always will be. I remember when the boys were in grade school, I felt like I lost my first name. I became a mom. Andy and James and Ben's mom. Teachers would greet me with, "oh, you must be Ben's mom."
Ben was the clingiest baby of them all. He felt secure hanging onto mom, and the world was a scary place. How come the clingiest makes up for it by becoming the most independent?? And wildest? And the one who drives you to your knees petitioning heaven to protect the rest of the world from your son?? And the one I'd love to sell to the Marines if they'd only take him.
Ben was gifted with spacial talents, and the ability to put things together by sight. Since some things came easy, he learned to avoid the hard things...like reading. He fooled his kindergarten teacher, and overcompensated throughout grade school, but the teachers started making ADD noises in first grade, and started the rounds of testing and diagnostics. We learned that Ben learned differently, and under the huge umbrella that is dyslexia, he was labeled early as "learning disabled." Small ld. We fought against drugs, and thankfully, had a pediatrician who did not think Ben was learning disabled, because, as he explained it, Ben could concentrate for long periods of time on things that that interested him. Ben was easily distracted in a classroom situation, but put him in the science place at the hands-on museum, and he would swear up and down that we had only been there ten minutes when I had been happily reading a book in the corner for two hours.
We were assured that Ben would do fine in college with modifications---and we were promised that if we took the reams of diagnostics with us that he would have no trouble getting in. By then, we were used to special ed, and textbooks on tape, and ARD meetings. But, curiously, when Ben turned 18, WITHOUT our permission and WITHOUT prior notification, they pressured Ben to sign something stating he was no longer learning disabled, in fact, miraculously, did not need their services. The bastards no longer needed funding, in that sink hole that is public education.
Ben made good grades at the local community college. But, the second semester of classes he picked was not so fun, and Ben planned on moving out. Ben made good money as a pizza deliverer, and jumped at the chance to climb on roofs and install solar panels when he got that job. We would have preferred he stay at home, and finish college. We had helped his older brothers through college, and wanted him to get a degree, too. But, he wanted to move out and planned it for months. He chaffed at our rules, and did not like his Dad's random checks on his laptop.
It broke my heart to see him move out of our home, and move into an apartment with a drunk. It is sad to see your son learn things the hard way. And even though we had taught him about friends and associations, and how they affect you, Ben decided to check things out himself. He decided he had been sheltered long enough, and he was tired of a worse-case-scenario mom and strict dad.
My prayer these last few years has been thankfulness that Ben has supported himself, but I hope and pray God sour that friendship with a drunk. And I am thankful that God has answered the prayer that my sons get caught whenever they do something wrong so that they suffer the consequences and learn from it before it becomes and ingrained bad habit.
note to Bob: how come, when I check words on spell checker, and click on the correct one, and it appears to change it, that when I "publish" the misspelled word still appears?? Yikes. Here I thought I was correcting my spelling all these years.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Random Thoughts for a Sunday Morning
If the music person has us sing, "Fairest Lord Jesus" again this morning, I think I will scream. Better pray for God to give me self-control, and love and peace even though that is the song that makes Jesus look wimpy.
Bob had this housing cover break off and flop in the wind off the windshield wipers on the ten year old Plymouth van. It cost over two hundred dollars to replace. The new ones look nice and brand new and shiny, and Bob installed them himself saving us lots of money. The clear plastic was not the blades but the blades cover.
We saw the new Narnia movie, Prince Caspian again. I still teared up, but at a different place. I like to go back and enjoy the movie the second time. I was too tense and jumpy during the first showing. And I heard the music this time, and the crowd reaction. It has funny breaks in it. More noticeable the second time around. We like to support good, Christian movies. Lots of allegories in this one. Lots of food for thought. Susan has a huge role and I lost count of how many enemy soldiers she takes out with her bow and arrow. Wow. A Warrior Woman.
Our new second lieutenant left on Friday. We are into day two of him being gone, but have spoken with him on the phone a lot as he safely traversed Oklahoma, Missouri, and Ohio. The first pain was a gut blow, but I am embarrassed to admit it, as our son is fine, graduated, excited about the next phase in his life, and in his mind, had put up with us way too long. I am glad he was here for all four years of college. Our Firstborn enjoyed college away, and he called that his home after a while.
I love having the windows open to hear the birdies sing. We made it yesterday, but it is suppose to get up to ninety today, so we may need to turn on the AC.
Looking at attending a nephew's wedding in Georgia the end of May, and Bob said we'd only be eight hours from James. I wonder if James wants to see us that soon. Maybe he will need something from home, and that can be our excuse?
The Narnia song is stuck in my head, and my humming of it is driving Bob nuts already. People with perfect pitch find the rest of us painful.
The Mother's Day Flowers survived a whole week !!! Can't believe one week ago today we were headed to our new second lieutenant's graduation. What a week!
Bob had this housing cover break off and flop in the wind off the windshield wipers on the ten year old Plymouth van. It cost over two hundred dollars to replace. The new ones look nice and brand new and shiny, and Bob installed them himself saving us lots of money. The clear plastic was not the blades but the blades cover.
We saw the new Narnia movie, Prince Caspian again. I still teared up, but at a different place. I like to go back and enjoy the movie the second time. I was too tense and jumpy during the first showing. And I heard the music this time, and the crowd reaction. It has funny breaks in it. More noticeable the second time around. We like to support good, Christian movies. Lots of allegories in this one. Lots of food for thought. Susan has a huge role and I lost count of how many enemy soldiers she takes out with her bow and arrow. Wow. A Warrior Woman.
Our new second lieutenant left on Friday. We are into day two of him being gone, but have spoken with him on the phone a lot as he safely traversed Oklahoma, Missouri, and Ohio. The first pain was a gut blow, but I am embarrassed to admit it, as our son is fine, graduated, excited about the next phase in his life, and in his mind, had put up with us way too long. I am glad he was here for all four years of college. Our Firstborn enjoyed college away, and he called that his home after a while.
I love having the windows open to hear the birdies sing. We made it yesterday, but it is suppose to get up to ninety today, so we may need to turn on the AC.
Looking at attending a nephew's wedding in Georgia the end of May, and Bob said we'd only be eight hours from James. I wonder if James wants to see us that soon. Maybe he will need something from home, and that can be our excuse?
The Narnia song is stuck in my head, and my humming of it is driving Bob nuts already. People with perfect pitch find the rest of us painful.
The Mother's Day Flowers survived a whole week !!! Can't believe one week ago today we were headed to our new second lieutenant's graduation. What a week!
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